Listening: The Key to Building Stronger Relationships

"Chi, can you believe what just happened to-?"

  Chiagor shut the door, cutting off her roommate. She didn't care what Emelda had to say. After all, no one bothered to care about what she had to say either.     

   Chiagor always felt so unheard. Like there was no one out there in the world that could ever be interested in hearing out what she had to say. To Chiagor, her childhood experiences left her with a lasting impression that her thoughts and opinions weren't valued or worthy of attention. Like no one really cared enough to ever pay attention or make intentional efforts into listening to her. This, unfortunately, left her feeling like an outsider, lonely and invisible.

   Being in her final year at university, she had thought she would've moved past this longing to be heard. Years of successfully burying her feelings had taught her how to appear indifferent. But it was on random days, like today, that her old nemesis resurfaced, reminding her of just how deeply she longed to connect with someone, just anyone, who cared to listen.

"You guys should behave yourselves, abeg. It's not funny na."  That was Adesuwa. A very pretty and funny girl in her class. Adesuwa’s laughter rang out as she bantered with her friends; she had a lot of people who genuinely seemed very happy to have her amongst themselves.

    Chiagor watched them from the corner of her eye, jealousy and admiration tangling silently inside her. Adesuwa seemed to have everything Chiagor wanted, a natural ability to connect with others. To Chiagor, she was the kind of person people would always listen to, no matter what. Chiagor scowled at the happy group as they made their way out of the classroom. She tried to shake off this feeling. She was an adult, after all. Surely, there were more important things to worry about than being unheard. She watched as everyone left in their pairs and groups. And she, alone, as usual. Not having a companion to talk to. Just then, someone bumped into her, causing her phone that was once in her hand, to clatter to the floor.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry." It was Adesuwa. She had bumped into Chiagor. Adesuwa bent down quickly, picking up the phone and inspecting it for damage.

     Chiagor had frozen, either from the shock of her phone possibly being damaged or the fact that Adesuwa was within a talkable distance from her, she didn't know. All she knew was that she didn't move. 

"It doesn't seem damaged, thank God. But in case it misbehaves, let me know. I'll pay for any damages." Adesuwa said with an apologetic smile as she handed the phone back to Chiagor. Chiagor managed a stiff nod, taken aback by Adesuwa’s kindness. She started to walk away. 

"Chaigor, wait." Chiagor stopped. Adesuwa knew her name?

"You're in our group for the assignment. We're meeting later this evening. So if it's alright with you, you can join us. I'll add you to the group chat so you'll know where to meet." 

She started to walk away. "And I'm sorry about your phone again." Then she left with her friends. 

    That evening, as they worked on the assignment, Chiagor noticed something remarkable. 

Adesuwa had excellent listening skills!

She paid attention to everyone's input. She didn't rush or interrupt anyone's responses and she gave everyone the chance to speak. In doing so, she created a space where everyone, including her, was comfortable enough to give suggestions. It was amazing to witness.

"Chiagor, what do you think?" Adesuwa had asked for her opinion. By witnessing what had been going on, she ignored the thought that her ideas could be disregarded as usual and went ahead to speak.

    And as she shared her thoughts, for the first time in her life, Chiagor felt seen! To her surprise, not only did Adesuwa and everyone like what she said, but they went ahead to use her idea as the topic! It was a great feeling. 

By the end of the evening, Chiagor felt inspired by what she had witnessed with Adesuwa and decided to try it out. She could start with Emelda.

    That night, instead of going straight to bed , she apologized to Emelda and asked what had happened to her. At first, Emelda seemed shocked at the gesture and was reluctant, but she ended up confiding in Chiagor and told her everything that was bothering her. 

     Chiagor listened, sympathized and gave her advice on what she could do. She imitated how Adesuwa listened with her entire being, giving her thoughtful nods and adding affirmations. At the end of their talk, Emelda gave her a hug and thanked her for lending her a listening ear.

    The gesture warmed Chiagor. To her surprise, Emelda asked about her day and she narrated the entire encounter with Adesuwa and her discovery. She even found herself opening up about her struggles of being perceived as irrelevant.

"You know Chi, I know how you feel. I've experienced moments like that but just because I've had those moments, it doesn't make me decline or suppress my need for attention. It just made me more careful in choosing who I open up to. By suppressing my feelings, I'm not listening to myself and I'm disregarding the most important person. Me. So you shouldn't either. "

  Chiagor let her continue. "I'm happy you chose tonight to listen to me. You're a great listener and in future, if you're willing, I'll be happy to hear whatever you have to say." 

    As the semester went on, Chiagor began to engage with those around her. She learned to read people's body language, learned when to speak and learned to ask questions that encouraged people to share. In doing so, she discovered that listening wasn't just about building connections, it brought about healing too, for others and most especially for her. 

    As time went on, Chiagor's relationships started to shift, she was now part of conversations. She realized listening wasn't just about hearing words, it was about finding your voice. And in listening, she had found her own voice. 

     Now when she looks at Adesuwa, it is no longer with envy but gratitude. Adesuwa had unknowingly taught her the art of listening and by following her steps, she now had several confidants of her own, with Emelda being a strong one. Chiagor had unlocked the key to connecting with others, and most importantly, with herself. 

     She no longer felt alone.